Data Diary

How to treat Bernanke Burn

Posted on 18 December 2009

Banker’s bleavage (baŋ-kərs blē-vij) – a nasty irritation of the buttocks caused by stuffing overly crisp dollar bills down one’s trousers. Also known as Bernanke burn.

Treatment:

• Remove the irritant, if you can – much like the somnambulist, sufferers will be fully immersed in their behaviour and able to suspend any sense of disbelief as to the appropriateness of their actions.  Disrupting them is likely to lead to disorientation with unpredictable results.  In the manner of a pre-school child, they will probably claim that they deserve the bills, that they are ‘mine’.  It is often futile to try and reason with them.

• If not, remove the supply – the simplest treatment is to remove the sufferer’s access to dollar bills. Unfortunately, this may be difficult to achieve as there are some in the community that benefit from feeding the habit.  It can only be hoped that longer term, either dollar bills will become so numerous that there is little to be gained from trouser stuffing or that the currency pushers will have their wings curtailed.

• Finally, tighten the belt – if all else fails, try to constrict the sufferers access to their nether regions.  While this may be commonplace amongst the broader population, it is unlikely that sufferers will intuitively understand the request.  Assistance may required.  They will resist.  But it’s for their own good although they might not thank you for it.